Brain Fog: When words are on the tip of my tongue

brain fog

I haven’t written much lately because I’ve been struggling a bit with brain fog, which is exactly as unpleasant as it sounds. According to WebMD, “‘Brain Fog’ isn’t a medical condition. It’s a term used for certain symptoms that can affect your ability to think. You may feel confused or disorganized or find it hard to focus or put your thoughts into words” (2018). I found another description that perfectly captures my recent thoughts, or lack thereof: “It seems as if your thoughts are illusive, and things that you once knew seem hard to comprehend or recall” (Folk & Folk, 2019).

It’s not as if my mind has been erased or I have dementia. I believe it’s a combination of constant anxiety, stress, depression, and recent frequent mediation and/or dosage changes. I have struggled to put my thoughts into words – at least into words that seem half-way intelligent. I notice it at work when something that should make sense just doesn’t. I notice it at home when I want to write, but can’t. I even notice it when I try to do things I typically enjoy and lose motivation or interest almost at once.

In an effort to combat this without making it worse, I’ve gotten into Zentangle and ink sketching, which requires little rational thought. I like Zentangle because there is an element of chaos to it, and the whole point is that no mistakes exist and judgment should be suspended. I know I’m not the only one who experiences this. I would highly recommend this type of art therapy/mindfulness to anyone struggling with a foggy brain. It has helped me immensely.

This is about all my mind can handle today, but I thought I would share some of my tangles with you. All of the sketches in this post (including the cover photo) are by me.

References

Folk, J., & Folk, M. (2019). Brain Fog, Foggy Head Anxiety Symptoms. Anxietycentre.com. Retrieved from https://www.anxietycentre.com/anxiety-symptoms/brain-fog.shtml

WebMD.com. (2018). Reasons You May Have Brain Fog. Retrieved from https://www.webmd.com/brain/ss/slideshow-brain-fog

Highly Sensitive People: Give yourself permission to wear your heart on your sleeve

It took me a while to understand that my anxiety, both general and social, go hand in hand with how sensitive I am. In fact, according to an article from Psychology Today, “Because highly sensitive people absorb so much stimulation from their environment, we are more susceptible to these feelings of anxiety. A recent study showed that people with a more sensitive ‘startle’ reflex, that is, highly sensitive people, are more susceptible to anxiety disorders because we have different genes than others, making it harder for us to deal with emotional arousal” (Ward, 2012). I would also argue that depressive disorders come in the wake of high sensitivity. Here’s the kicker that I am only just now coming to terms with: it’s okay to be a highly sensitive person (HSP). It’s also okay to be an anxious or depressed person, as long as that anxiety and depression does not control your life. Genetics often play a part in mental health disorders – I can no more deny my anxiety and depression than I can deny my hair or eye color. It’s part of who I am.

“It’s okay if you are an intense person with deep feelings. You think and feel everything with your heart and that’s so rare nowadays. Just because the world always mocks a sensitive soul, you don’t have to feel left out and alone. The truth is that them not understanding you doesn’t make you any less amazing than you are. Always be proud of wearing your heart on your sleeve.” – Madiha

I would take being highly sensitive over calloused and unfeeling any day. How true, though, that the world doesn’t seem to know what to do with those of us who experience higher than normal doses of emotions and the corresponding mental illnesses. There are plenty of times during which I become so overwhelmed by my emotional response to something that I have to either talk about it or risk being consumed by it. I have found out the hard way that I can only talk about these things with certain people. The majority of people will 1) look at me like I’m crazy, and/or 2) tell me that I worry too much and need to get a grip on reality. I urge you to not hold those feeling inside, which can lead to the slippery slope of letting them control you. Believe me…I know! You just need to know who you can talk to and who will listen with respect and empathy.

I write a lot about self-discovery and loving who you are because that is the roller coaster journey I am currently on. My entire life I have tried to be someone I’m not. Or at the very least, I have tried to hide who I really am because I never felt good about the glimpses I saw of my real self. This culture often views highly sensitive people as weak – feeling so much is never a good thing, right? Wrong! I am learning that denying that part of me is what can lead to heightened anxiety and deeper depression. By developing the ability to feel, and then let those feelings go, I hope to loosen any power that mental illness has over me. I am not my anxiety or my depression; rather, I am someone who feels so deeply that the energy created by those feelings needs somewhere to go. I know that I will never be rid of my anxiety or depression, but I do know that there are healthier channels for that energy.

I am currently reading Stephen King’s 2014 novel Mr. Mercedes. In that book, he references a quote from Woody Allen: “80 percent of success is showing up.” I had to pause the audiobook and really stop and think about that quote. Far too many times in my life I have not “shown up” because I am afraid of what I might feel or experience as a result. I worry that stepping out of my comfort zone will cause me to feel too much. I worry that I will fail, which will kick off a whole new set of emotions and anxieties. The anticipation of what might happen to me emotionally has stopped me time and time again. Part of my current journey is getting a grasp on the concept that, even if I do fail, the fact that I tried – that I showed up – is all that really matters. And if I do have a highly emotional reaction, it’s okay. The important thing is recognizing that it may happen and that I shouldn’t let it control me or stop me from pursuing my dreams. People may call me crazy, but that’s okay!

“Take being called crazy as a compliment. It means you’ve found the courage to be yourself when so many others have not.” – Unknown

One major stumbling block for me is worrying what other people will think of me. I often try to remind myself that people are far too self-absorbed to really care what I do, why I do it, or how I go about doing it. That may sound harsh, but I believe it’s true. For example, if I wear the same shoes to work two days in a row, are people really going to notice? Of course not…they’re too busy worrying that people will notice that they too are wearing the same shoes two days in a row. My point is this: you do you. As long as you try, it doesn’t matter what others think. If someone else wants to judge you for your approach, that’s on them. As long as you aren’t hurting yourself or other people, go for it! You don’t need the world’s approval or permission to be yourself.

The last thing I want to bring up is the fact that you aren’t alone. Dr. Elaine Aron, a leader in the research and development of the concept of being a highly sensitive person, states that 15-20% of people are highly sensitive (2019). She goes on to explain that “in cultures where it is not valued, HSPs tend to have low self-esteem. They are told ‘don’t be so sensitive’ so that they feel abnormal” (Aron, 2019). Don’t let people make you feel like you are the only one who has anxiety or depression as a result of how deeply you feel everything around you. You have an ally in me. I see you.

“Some of the most comforting words in the universe are ‘me too.’ That moment when you find out that your struggle is also someone else’s struggle, that you’re not alone, and that others have been down the same road.” – Unknown

 

References

Aron, E. (2019). The Highly Sensitive Person. Retrieved from https://hsperson.com

Ward, D. (2012). Coping with Anxiety as an HSP. Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/sense-and-sensitivity/201210/coping-anxiety-hsp

Coffee Shops and Life Lessons

When I was a teenager, I worked at a quaint little coffee shop. It brought together two of my passions: coffee and people. I’ve always said being a barista is like being a bar tender without the alcohol – you have your regulars, you know what they drink and often have it ready for them before they get up to the counter, you build a rapport with them, they learn to trust you, and before long they are spilling their life stories and struggles. I’ve had some pretty heavy conversations in the span of a few minutes before someone’s daily cup of joe. I’ve had people tell me that I am easy to talk to, so this may be something to do with it, but I have a feeling most baristas have similar experiences.

It took courage and some tact to learn exactly how to deal with this level of interaction. My Social Anxiety Disorder can make any interactions painful for me, but working as a barista helped me learn how to internalize those feelings and focus on the people I was serving. I wasn’t just handing them a coffee or latte or mocha…I was handing them a piece of sunshine in what might be an otherwise frustrating day. My smile or words of encouragement might be the last ones they receive for a while. I took that very seriously. We all know the importance of getting a day started off on the right foot!

Over time, I developed what you might call a portfolio of regulars. They were mine. I had several people who would only let me make their drink. Was it because I was some award winning barista who made a better latte than anyone else? Of course not. It was because I cared. For example, the lady who wanted her mint mocha with only a quarter pump of mint and a half pump of chocolate, 190 degrees, and with absolutely no foam, knew that I cared enough to make sure her drink was correct AND that I would ask how her son was doing in school. The man who wanted his breve with three quarters steamed half-and-half, a quarter steamed 2% milk, five shots of espresso, and filled to a specific level in his travel mug, knew that I cared enough to make it right every time AND ask how his job was.

Why am I telling you all this? Because in spite of my depression and my anxieties about so many, many different things, I can still show people that care. Just because I struggle with mental illness, this does not mean I am incapable of being a loving and kind individual. Some people hear of certain mental illnesses and believe that individual is defined by their illness and incapable of any other emotions or kindness towards other people. I know people do that because I have been guilty of that plenty of times.

Now let me tell you another story from my coffee shop days. When I started training to become a supervisor, I was paired up with another supervisor so he could mentor me through my first few months of the new position. To this day, Glenn remains one of the most positive and caring individuals I have ever known. He went out of his way to make people laugh and to ensure that everyone was taken care of. I was always inspired by the way in which he interacted with both his coworkers and the customers.

Only about a week or so into my training and mentorship, I had just gotten home from work when my phone rang. It was a team member named Hannah. She said, “Please come back! I think Glenn is having a seizure and I don’t know what to do!” I rushed back to work. As I walked in the door, the paramedics were walking out, with Glenn on a pram. He was in a daze, yet still managed a smile as they all rolled by me. As a brand new supervisor who had barely gone through any training, I had to calm down the customers, clean up the blood in the back room where Glenn had hit his head or bit his tongue and bled profusely, as well as run the shop with a traumatized Hannah until our manager was able to make his long drive into work. Let me tell you…my already fragile nerves were shot by the end of that day.

The next day, my manager asked if I could go to the hospital to pick Glenn up and take him home. I was honestly surprised he didn’t have anyone else to come pick him up (surely someone as vibrant as Glenn would have a million friends to call), but I was happy to do so. On the way back to his house, Glenn opened up to me, saying that they believed the seizure had been caused by some medication he had just started. I remember asking him what kind of medication would cause a seizure. He said it was a medication his psychiatrist prescribed for depression. I couldn’t believe it. I would never have guessed that Glenn struggled with depression. I was also incredibly naïve at the time and thought that only people who were truly “crazy” took medication for mental issues (I had yet to really, truly explore my own). I remember looking at him differently then, thinking that he must be faking all that positivity and kindness he always displayed. Surely if he took medication because his depression was so bad, he couldn’t be genuinely happy and kind toward others, right?

It’s kind of embarrassing to tell you that I thought that way. As I said, I was incredibly naïve, did not yet understand much about mental illness, and only knew what I saw in movies. I think we can all agree that Hollywood’s portrayal of mental illness is not always spot on. All that being said, Glenn launched into telling me his own story, which did a great job educating me in a hurry. That was the first time I realized how debilitating and devastating clinical depression can be. Glenn was the good and positive person I always perceived him to be, yet he had this demon that continually clawed its way to the surface and tried to snuff out the light that was my mentor. He had turned to medication as a last resort, but he and his doctor were struggling to find the right combination of medication (boy, do I understand that struggle now!).

Why am I telling you all this? As a reminder that mental illness, or taking medication for mental illness, does not define us. Glenn is a poster child for remaining kind and loving, in spite of wanting to die inside from extreme depression. Although he was masking his depression, he wasn’t faking that kindness or desire to make other people happy. That’s truly who he was. He knew and understood how life threatening depression can be, so he did his best to make sure other people knew how important they are.

I have one more story about Glenn. This has stuck with me for well over a decade and remains a pivotal part of my world view and approach to life, work, etc. One day when we were sitting at a table in the coffee shop, drinking coffee and discussing leadership, Glenn said to me, “Amber, to be a good leader you only have to remember two things. The first is this: a good leader always leads by example. If you are unwilling to do certain things, you can’t expect your staff to do it either. They should be able to watch you and learn from you, rather than just being told by you how or why to do something. The second and most important thing is this: you must remember that you are there for your employees, not the other way around. Your job is to make them successful. As a leader, you must do everything in your power to make it possible for them to do their job efficiently and successfully. They are not there to advance your career or make you appear more successful. Remember those two things and you will be a great leader.”

To this day, I still use that criteria to not only hold myself accountable as a leader, but also to determine if my own managers or higher ups are quality or not. More than that, though, I took that criteria to heart and applied it to my daily life. We should all lead by example. This, to me, is integrity. Vocabulary.com explains integrity in this way: “Having integrity means doing the right thing in a reliable way. It’s a personality trait that we admire, since it means a person has a moral compass that doesn’t waver. It literally means having ‘wholeness’ of character, just as an integer is a ‘whole number’ with no fractions” (Integrity, n.d.). Don’t be a fraction, people! Being a good person, as well as a good leader, requires integrity and the strength to not break when pushed to do something that would betray either yourself or anyone else. It is Glenn’s second point that has always stood out to me, though. Remembering that we are there for others, rather than the other way around, can truly alter how we live our daily life and interact with others at work or any other environment in which we are leaders. Stop using others. They aren’t stepping stones to get you where you want to be. Grant yourself permission to be there for other people and your life will change along with theirs.

References

Integrity. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.vocabulary.com/dictionary/integrity

Prioritization: Putting aside the feeling of failure

I had my first panic attack in a while last night. In general, it was triggered by my intense fear of failure. Specifically, it was triggered by the fact that I was pushing myself to go back to school when I am not in an emotional or mental state that is conducive to learning. I’ve been planning to go back to school for a while now. I’ve been registered and set to start, yet have still been trying to convince myself it will be a good thing. I talked to my psychiatrist about dropping the classes, but she cautioned to not make any big decisions when I’m depressed…so I decided to try and stick with it.

 

My online class started yesterday. I jumped online after work, feeling much trepidation. The more I read the syllabus, homework assignments, and other class content, the more I dug my heals in. All in an instant I realized this: I have been working so hard on making time for myself, learning about myself, and for once in my crazy life, doing things that I actually enjoy. Why on earth would put my current personal growth on hold for a certificate that likely would not lead to career advancement? Simple solution, right? Drop the class and call it good, right? Ahhh…but then I started thinking about all the people who know I’ve been planning to go back to school. I started thinking about the projects at work that would be easier with the knowledge gained. I started to think of myself as a quitter…a failure…a piece of crap human being who has always struggled to finish what I start. And that’s when the panic attack set in.

 

Panic attacks are different for everyone, as are all things mental illness related. For me, a panic attack usually starts with a small thought, like a tiny crack in an enormous dam, then suddenly the dam splits wide open and it’s game over. I go from one thought to one hundred thoughts at once (all worst case scenario), I get a ringing in my ears, I have a hard time catching my breath, I start to cry, and then I just shut down. It’s not an enjoyable experience. And so exhausting. It’s hard to explain the complete loss of both physical energy and mental function post panic attack. It’s like someone has taken the world’s largest syringe and sucked all the life out of me. So in spite of the early hour, I took my sleeping pills and went to bed. Life seems a little less scary when I’m sleeping.

 

As I fell asleep, I couldn’t help arguing with myself over what I should do. Me #1 made the following arguments:

  1. Go back to school while you’re still single and you only have your dog to worry about.
  2. Go back to school so your education and skill set makes you more valuable at work.
  3. Go back to school so you have another item with which to pad your resume.
  4. Go back to school while you can take advantage of tuition reimbursement at work.
  5. Don’t be an idiot. Just go back to school.

 

Me #1 had some incredibly persuasive and valid points. But then Me #2 came in, a bit more shy and timid. Me #2 asked me questions instead of making demands.

 

  1. Will you lose out on valuable personal growth because you will have less time to devote to self-discovery?
  2. Will you have less time to enjoy the company of your puppy?
  3. Will you have less time to paint, crochet, or write?
  4. Will you have less time to commit to learning about mental health advocacy?
  5. Is that education really necessary, or are you just trying to find ways to distract yourself from the demons that need to be faced?

It was like having two good angels fighting. Both had valid points. Both had my best interest in mind. One was just more focused on professional goals, while the other was focused on personal growth. So what on earth am I supposed to do? I believe that God (or the universe or whatever you believe in) offers plenty of signs. We just have to open our eyes and see them. As silly as it sounds, my signs often come in the form of memes on my Facebook newsfeed. The first couple quotes that popped up on my newsfeed this morning were these:

 

“Enjoy your life. (It’s happening right now)” – Unknown

 

“Because in the end, you won’t remember the time you spent working in the office or mowing your lawn. Climb that goddamn mountain.” – Jack Kerouac

 

I fortunately no longer have a lawn to mow, so I easily replaced that with “going to class”. I saw this as God’s way of reminding me that staying busy or only focusing on work and career advancement isn’t necessarily what is going to bring happiness in life. Money is only money. But mental health and personal development? That’s a whole different story. In the past I have committed far too much time and energy to both my career and education. I firmly believe that it negatively impacted my relationships to an extent I will likely never know or understand. I am tired of missing out on life because I get myself roped into expensive and lengthy commitments that do little to actually advance myself or my career. My mountain is more of a proverbial mountain. I have demons to face. I have struggles to overcome. Does it make sense to divert energy away from those tasks and instead focus on busy work? Then I see this:

 

“Put yourself at the top of your to-do list every single day and the rest will fall into place.” – Unknown

 

The next quote that pops up as I’m scrolling through a million pictures of babies (ew) and Valentine’s Day posts (gross):

 

“Find out what makes you happy, then figure out how that is of service to this crazy, sad, wonderful, fun world.” – Waylon Lewis

 

This one kind of slapped me upside the head. I’ve always heard variations of the saying “Love what you do and you will never work a day in your life,” but I’ve not been faced with a variation that takes that internal joy and pushes it outward again. Will going back to school make me happy? Probably not. Will the specific area of study help me better the world and society around me? Probably not. Then why the heck am I even having this conversation? So I started thinking about what makes me happy.

 

  1. Writing
  2. Reading
  3. Art
  4. Making a difference in a dark world
  5. Fighting to end mental health stigma

 

I can tell you right now that none of those things would have been fostered or encouraged within the program for which I was registered. I realized there would be little value added to my life by robbing myself of time that I could be spending doing a combination of all of those things. I then came across this quote:

 

“Reflect on what triggers you so you can be free from overreacting and overthinking. Sometimes you can be giving away so much of yourself mentally and emotionally to something that only leaves you feeling depleted. Be more centered. Prioritize your inner peace and mental wellness.” – Unknown

 

If going back to school, which in and of itself is an admittedly unnecessary venture at this point in my life, triggered the worst panic attack I’ve had in months, should I really be doing it? I have found so much peace and satisfaction and growth while writing my blog, dabbling in art, and reading self-help or mental health books. I again questioned the wisdom in taking time away from that. One might argue that education and career should take precedence over everything else, but that’s the perspective I’ve held up until this point. Yes, I have a degree that no one can take away from me. Yes, I have a job that I genuinely enjoy. But I think it’s time to start focusing on myself when I’m not at work.

 

It’s probably pretty obvious at this point, but it didn’t take me long to get online this morning and drop the class that started yesterday. It was difficult, because Me #1 did have good points. But I foresee more benefits from focusing on my mental health, personal discovery, and what those two things combined can mean for those around me. I have a lot to give. Each day could be my last. I don’t want to regret not making myself and others a priority.

 

I hope no one reads this and takes it to mean that education isn’t important. If you are in school and are furthering yourself and your career, stick with it! The amount of satisfaction earned from a degree is incredible. Just don’t forget about yourself in the process. Commit time to bettering yourself, letting yourself have some fun, as well as maintaining the relationships around you that might suffer if you focus solely on education or career. Don’t let good things fly past you because your time is spent looking down instead of around.

The Semicolon: Choosing to live

cropped-semicolon2.pngpainted by me

Trigger warning: depression, suicide

 

The semicolon, a form of punctuation whose use is not well understood by many (myself included), is used “to make a break that is stronger than a comma but not as final as a full stop” (Semicolon, 2019). In recent months, I have come to appreciate the semicolon for a reason that is related to, yet different from, the original definition. Have you ever seen someone with a semicolon tattoo? Chances are there is a more meaningful reason than because that person just adores punctuation and grammar, right? That’s correct – the semicolon is “about mental health and destroying the negative stigma attached to it. If you’ve seen a person with a tiny semicolon on their wrist or arm, you’re facing someone who has overcome serious mental health issues – from depression and anxiety, to schizophrenia – and has chosen not to end their lives, but rather to move forward anew” (Bushak, 2015). Put in even simpler terms, “the semicolon is intended to encourage people to keep going in life” (Grisham, 2015).

 

The reason I am so passionate about this topic right now is because I have struggled with depression the last few months at a depth I have never before experienced. To say I hit rock bottom is an understatement. To say I have had no energy to climb out of that hole is an understatement. To say I have wanted to close my eyes and never wake up is an understatement. It’s an ongoing struggle as I work my way through one of the darkest times of my life. I don’t bring this up looking for attention or a pat on the back for getting out of bed this morning – I bring it up to communicate that this is real life for many, many people. We paste on a smile each day so we can go into work or school and act like a normal person (whatever “normal” means). We splash our faces with cold water to reduce the swelling from a night of hopelessness and tears. We put on makeup to draw attention away from the dark circles under our eyes.

 

To those who may know someone experiencing the suffocating effects of depression, check up on them. Don’t let the makeup and cheery smile fool you into thinking they’ve “gotten over” depression. I’m a firm believer that depression never truly goes away. It’s more of a remission, or “a period of time when an illness or disease becomes less severe” (Remission, 2009-2019, emphasis mine). It seems like it’s gone, but there’s always a high chance that it will come back bigger and meaner than ever before. Make sure you check up on the people in your life who may or may not be in remission.

 

To those who are the ones lost in the deep, dark forest of depression…I SEE YOU. You are not alone. I know it seems like life isn’t worth living. I know it seems like God has abandoned you. I know it seems like you don’t serve a purpose. I know it seems like no one would notice if you just disappeared. I know it seems like you will never be yourself again. I know it seems like your life is meaningless. I know it seems like you don’t have the strength it takes to get out of bed and shower. It seems like it. But it is a lie that has been woven and spun to perfection by the demons inside your mind and heart. It simply is not so. Remember the semicolon…I beg of you.

 

Remember the semicolon. It is so simple, yet so profound. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how important the “low lows” of our life can be. They can literally either make or break us. If they break us completely, we may end up choosing a period instead of a semicolon. But, my dear, how I do hope you choose the semicolon. I don’t say all of this flippantly as someone who has never struggled between a period and a semicolon. I plead with you not to choose a final and irrevocable period, but know I am pleading because I too have to beg of myself to choose the semicolon. If we give ourselves permission to keep fighting, to keep holding on for one more minute, and then another and another, we can experience transformation.

 

“Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation.” – Elizabeth Gilbert

“I know this transformation is painful, but you’re not falling apart; you’re just falling into something different, with a new capacity to be beautiful.” – William C. Hennan

 

Transformation is hard. Transformation down right sucks. They don’t call them growing pains without reason. We know where we would like to be – happy, motivated, energetic, making a difference – but first have to cross the hot coals that stand between us and our destination. Would it be easier to give up and end it all? Yes. Would it be selfish to end our suffering? I honestly don’t believe so. HOWEVER, just because something is easier doesn’t make it right. You will get through this day, just as you’ve gotten through each day leading up to this one. Sometimes getting through the day is all in the little things. Taking a shower. Eating a lunch that we love. Taking an extra five minute break or two to walk outside and soak up the sunshine. When you are at your lowest low, try to focus on the little things. I certainly understand how overwhelming it can be to focus on other, bigger matters – you can deal with those later.

 

You will make it.

 

Let me tell you one other thing that has made me realize the importance of the valleys and facing difficult transformation. I. Have. Worth. So do you. Just because every significant other I have ever had has treated me in a way that makes me believe the opposite, this doesn’t mean I am worthless. Start every day by looking at yourself in the mirror and telling yourself that you are a beautiful person, that the world is a better place because of you, and that you were put here for a reason. That reason is not to take the easy way out. That reason is to face your demons, become who you need to become, and maybe even help those around you who are unable to face or fight their own demons.

 

“The softest people I know are the strongest people I know. They have stories that could have broken them, but they manage to take all of those pieces and reinvent themselves.” – Unknown

 

Your scars, whether physical, emotional, mental, or all of the above, make you the unique and special person you are. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Above all, don’t let yourself tell you otherwise. Don’t listen to yourself on the days that you want to give up. Tell that still, small voice to go take a hike when it whispers that you would be better off dead. It’s simply not true.

 

A friend encouraged me the other day by telling me that all this pain and heartache is not reducing who I am, but rather building me up and turning me into a stronger person. This can only happen, though, if I grit my teeth, roll up my pants, and walk my way across those burning coals toward the future I want for myself. If I shut myself inside and do nothing to better my mental state, I will surely succumb to the wishes of those demons. Thankfully, I have wonderful friends, an incredibly supportive family, and an amazing psychiatrist who understands the power of the right combination of medication.

 

Let’s talk about medication for a minute. There are definitely two opposing views – people either have faith in medication or people stay as far away from it as possible. Let me share from my own personal experience. I have been on and off antidepressants for my entire adult life. The reason I go off of them is usually because I feel a sense of weakness because I have to rely on my “happy pills” (or “crazy pills”…I call them both names, depending on how I am feeling). I want to be able to get up in the morning and be able to get through a day without needing pharmaceuticals. But I always go back to them. Is it because I am weak? Is it because I am a lesser person than people who can manage life without medication? Certainly not. My psychiatrist told me something that really made any aversion to medication crumble for good. She told me, “When you are depressed, you aren’t thinking rationally. We need to get your brain chemistry stabilized so that you can go to therapy or practice self-care and actually be in a place to experience the benefits.” It’s not a sign of weakness to take medication. I believe that if you are facing a period or a semicolon, and medication is all that might stop you from choosing the period, go get on some GD medication! People tell me they don’t want to deal with the side effects or remembering to take a pill every day. So you’re telling me that killing yourself is a good option, but taking a pill that might cause a little weight gain is just not worth the risk? Read that again. Isn’t life, and serving your purpose in that life, more important? That’s my take on it. I’m not saying the only option is medication. I’m just saying that you shouldn’t discount the benefits. For me, medication has given me the fireproof boots I need to begin walking across those burning coals. Once my brain chemistry is a little more stable and I have more than one serotonin molecule hanging out in my brain, I will be in a better place to recognize how much I really do have to live for.

 

“Depression is not selfish. Anxiety is not rude. Schizophrenia is not wrong. Mental illness isn’t self-centered, any more than a broken leg or the flu is self-centered. If your mental illness makes you feel guilty, review the definition of “illness” and try to treat yourself with the same respect and concern you would show to a cancer patient or a person with pneumonia.” – Unknown

 

My final thought on this topic is simply this as: you are beautiful because of (not in spite of) both your light and your darkness. As the above quote suggests, you shouldn’t be any more ashamed of your mental illness than you should be of a broken bone or the common cold. It may be a little gross when you accidentally sneeze bright green snot all over yourself when you have a cold, but no one can judge you for being sick. It happens to everyone, right? What I so desperately want to communicate is that there is nothing wrong with having depression. There is nothing wrong with having chronic anxiety. There is nothing wrong with struggling with PTSD. In fact, I would argue that you are stronger than the majority of people out there who have never experienced mental illness. You are made of bold stuff, my friend. Take that strength and devote it to the sentence that comes after the semicolon. You are not alone. You are beautiful. I see you.

 

“At any given moment, you have the power to say: this is not how the story is going to end.” – Christine Mason Miller

 

References:

Bushak, L. (2015). ‘Project Semicolon’: How a punctuation symbol came to represent Mental Health. Medical Daily. Retrieved from https://www.medicaldaily.com/project-semicolon-how-punctuation-symbol-came-represent-mental-health-341916

 

Grisham, L. (2015). Semicolon tattoos raise awareness about mental illness. USA Today. Retrieved from https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation-now/2015/07/09/semicolon-tattoo-mental-health/29904291/`

 

Remission. (2009-2019). Retrieved from https://www.macmillandictionary.com/us/dictionary/american/remission

 

Semicolon. (2019). In online English Oxford Living Dictionaries. Retrieved from https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/punctuation/semicolon

 

Warzones and Gollum: Anxiety on a good day

I’ve had a bit of writer’s block, mainly because the last few days have been decent for me. It probably sounds crazy, but it is easier to write – to pour my heart out – when it seems like everything is going wrong. It’s borderline scary when I have more than one good day in a row because I am waiting for it all to come crashing in on me again. What does anxiety look like on a good day? Maybe a little more like pick up sticks than a plate of spaghetti. Dark gray mixed with a little light gray, instead of just black. That awful prickly sensation once circulation is restored, instead of having a foot that is completely asleep. Driving with the Check Engine light on, instead of trying to start a car with a dead battery.

I came across an interesting quote earlier today:

“Mental illness is like fighting a war where the enemy’s strategy is to convince you that the war isn’t actually happening.” – Unknown

I’m still trying to decide what this even means. There are probably several different interpretations. The first one that came to my mind is this: if mental illness is the enemy, its goal is to sneak up on you when you least expect it. If you have been lulled into a false sense of security, it can come out of nowhere and really do a number on you. This is what makes me paranoid, even when I seem to be having a great day. The enemy is waiting for me just around that corner, behind that bush, or under that rock. It’s only a matter of time. Wouldn’t it be better to realize this problem is never going away, that there’s no way to fix me, and that I will always be fighting this gruesome internal war?

However, that is not the most meaningful interpretation I have come up with. The longer I thought about it, the more I decided that the enemy is the stigma and judgement that surrounds mental illness. If I had a penny for every time someone said “You just worry too much” or “can’t you just stop worrying for once in your life”, I would be a rich woman. What these statements communicate to someone with anxiety is this: It’s all in your head…what you are feeling isn’t real…what you are feeling doesn’t matter…you are choosing this.

Imagine sending an army of soldiers out into the middle of a war zone, then saying, “None of us believe those enemies are real. We aren’t going to support you in any of this. Stop acting like you are going to die. It’s all in your imagination.” All the while, those soldiers are trying to find some sort of cover from the flying bullets, grenades, and whatever other weapons the opposition might have. How long do you think the soldiers will be able to fight without reinforcements, supplies, and support from home? The answer is obvious: not very long. So how much do you think the opposition is benefiting from the lack of awareness or intelligence, not on the part of the soldiers, but on the part of their commanders and society?

Welcome to the warzone that is my head. I’m going to let you in on a little secret: it’s dark, it’s scary, and it’s ridiculously hard to go it alone without backup and support. I imagine two different individuals living in my head – one looks just like me, talks like me, thinks like me. The other looks more like Gollum from Tolkien’s The Lord of the Rings. This creature stays in the shadows and torments the other me. It is cruel, obsessive, and doesn’t know when to stop.

Even on the good days, my internal Gollum reminds me that anything could go wrong at any minute. I might remind it that my antidepressant and antianxiety meds seem to be stabilizing me, but it would come back with, “Well what if something clicks in your brain and they start causing seizures?” I might remind it that I am thankful for the roof over my head and the good job I have, but it would come back with, “What if your neighbor starts a fire and you can’t go to work because you couldn’t escape the flames?” I might remind it that I am working on my self-esteem by exercising, dressing a little nicer, and putting on some makeup, but it would come back with, “You’re fighting a losing battle…no one likes you anyway…why feel good about that?” I might remind it that I am intelligent, but it would come back with, “Then why do you struggle with so many different irrational fears or simple problems?” I might remind it that I am eating healthier to get my body back on track, but it would come back with, “You can’t afford to eat healthy.” My point is…there is always something. Even on the best of days, my own personal Gollum is pointing out how futile my attempts are when I try to live a normal, rational life.

Now let’s go back to the warzone example. I have all this going on in my head, but people I think I can trust are assuring me that I can simply stop worrying if I really put my mind to it. There is no way to truly describe what that feels like, but there are plenty of words that, when combined, come pretty close. Below are just a few examples. All of these definitions come from the Merriam-Webster Dictionary (2019).

  • Discouraged: “To deprive of courage or confidence”
  • Broken: “Not working properly”
  • Foolish: “Having or showing a lack of good sense, judgment, or discretion”
  • Alone: “Without aid or support”
  • Lack/Lacking: “The fact or state of being wanting or deficient”
  • Betrayed: “Treacherously abandoned, deserted, or mistreated”
  • Small: “Of little consequence”
  • Crazy: “Full of cracks or flaws”
  • Ashamed: “Feeling inferior or unworthy”

What if someone with diabetes told you they felt all these things because you kept telling them that insulin is overrated and they should just will their blood sugar to normalize on its own. Wouldn’t you feel like a bit of an a-hole? Why is it so acceptable, then, for people to have this attitude towards those with mental illnesses? Whether you believe it is all made up or not doesn’t change the fact that a chemical imbalance in my brain has made me a unique, over-thinker who assumes the worst will happen in any situation. I don’t see the world like you do. I see the world as a dangerous, evil place where disaster is waiting just around the next bend.

I definitely feel like I’m rambling. I guess the point I am trying to come to is the fact that stigma and denial do a huge disservice to anyone suffering from a mental illness. There is nothing that makes me feel more alone than someone I care about telling me I should just stop worrying. Don’t ask me why I’m worried about something – BECAUSE I HAVE ANXIETY…THAT’S WHAT I DO. If it was as easy as flipping a switch and turning that Gollum part of my brain off, I wouldn’t be taking medication and wishing I could afford therapy! While on the one hand, I acknowledge that no one forces me feel any of those words I defined above because only I allow myself to feel anything. On the other hand, we owe it to each other to be supportive and kind. A lack of support for those soldiers we talked about doesn’t mean they can’t try and defend themselves and maybe even succeed, but it’s going to be a heck of a lot easier if they have all the support their country can muster. Why would anyone ever ask a soldier to fight alone? So why do we ask each other to fight our own personal battles alone? Don’t let your own ignorance rob you of the opportunity to be the life raft someone so desperately needs. Don’t let your fellow human being sink.

Stigma comes from ignorance. Ignorance often comes from a lack of exposure. If you have questions about anxiety or depression, but don’t know how to ask your loved one, send me an email! I’m happy to be a sounding board. I have a lifetime of anxiety and depression experience to pull from. I understand that this post was a little unorganized and random, but that is how my anxious brain works, even on a good day. I’m all over the place all the time. So is your loved one who suffers from anxiety. Please realize that they are fighting an internal battle that you may know nothing about because they have been burned so many times by people in whom they thought they could confide.

Let’s light a fire and start a revolution. We need to stop sending soldiers into a warzone without support.

References

Alone. (2019). In online Merriam-Webster dictionary. Retrieved from https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/alone

Ashamed. (2019). In online Merriam-Webster dictionary. Retrieved from https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/ashamed

Betrayed. (2019). In online Merriam-Webster dictionary. Retrieved from https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/betrayed

Broken. (2019). In online Merriam-Webster dictionary. Retrieved from https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/broken

Crazy. (2019). In online Merriam-Webster dictionary. Retrieved from https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/crazy

Discourage. (2019). In online Merriam-Webster dictionary. Retrieved from https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/discourage

Foolish. (2019). In online Merriam-Webster dictionary. Retrieved from https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/foolish

Lack. (2019). In online Merriam-Webster dictionary. Retrieved from https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/lacking

Small. (2019). In online Merriam-Webster dictionary. Retrieved from https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/small

Mental Health: Get your FAQs straight

I appreciate people who ask questions about mental health struggles – it shows that they care enough to dig a little deeper and are trying to understand. I should clarify here that I know some people ask questions because they are fed up or at their wit’s end. I would argue that as long as they have the patience to listen to the answers, those are still valuable questions.

Why is it important to ask questions? Because mental illness affects everyone. It affects those on the inside, as well as those on the outside looking in. In 2017, 43.7 million adults in the US suffered from some sort of mental illness (MHA, 2018), which means that chances are pretty high that if you don’t suffer from one, you know someone who does. According to a journal article from World Psychology, “Many people with serious mental illness are challenged doubly. On one hand, they struggle with the symptoms and disabilities that result from the disease. On the other, they are challenged by the stereotypes and prejudice that result from misconceptions about mental illness” (Corrigan & Watson, 2002).


Misconception: “A conclusion that’s wrong because it’s based on faulty thinking or facts that are wrong” (n.d.)


You might argue that a journal article from 17 years ago isn’t relevant anymore. Coming from someone who suffers from depression and anxiety, I can tell you that statement is still incredibly relevant. Stigma is a toxic byproduct of misconception, which is the direct result of lack of education. The National Alliance on Mental Illness reports that “stigma and misunderstandings about mental illness prevent families from facing the problem and seeking help” (NAMI, 2019). On the other hand, “education provides information so that the public can make more informed decisions about mental illness” (Corrigan & Watson, 2002). How does education happen? By asking questions.


Question: “A sentence or phrase used to find out information” (2019).


With all this in mind, I thought I would share some of the questions that get asked of me. Some I hear on a regular basis…some I’ve only heard once or twice. All are welcome. I urge you, though, to always consider how you pose your questions. You know the old adage – it’s not what you say, but how you say it. Due to the stigma that surrounds mental illness, it’s easy for some people to get defensive. This is due to the fact that they have likely been bullied growing up or have experienced less than compassionate interactions with the public and health providers as adults. The uneducated masses can be horribly unkind. If someone doesn’t seem comfortable answering questions, don’t push the matter. It might be a trigger for them. I would like to think, though, that open minded people would be willing to share their experiences for the sake of education. As mentioned before…that is the only way to end the stigma. It can all start with one person asking one question and waiting to hear the answer.

These FAQs are in no particular order. I am typing them as they come to mind. Bear with my stream of consciousness.


Is it okay that I don’t know what to say?

This was asked of me very recently by two different women who mean the world to me (my mom and my aunt). It was striking to me how similar and genuine the sentiment was in each separate conversation. The answer is quite simple: Yes, it’s okay that you don’t know what to say. No, it does not add to my anxiety that you don’t know what to say.

One of the difficult lessons I have learned over the last few years is that if someone has never experience anxiety or depression (or any other mental illness, for that matter), they will never truly understand. By this I mean truly empathize. You can still try to understand what I’m going through from an education standpoint, without actually knowing how it feels to be depressed or so anxious you don’t even want to leave the house.

It’s okay to not fully empathize or understand exactly what I’m going through on an emotional level, which means it’s okay to not know what to say. Most of the time I don’t even know what to say, so how could I place different expectations on anyone around me? Compassion and a little grace are all I ask for when words fail. Don’t put pressure on yourself to come up with some Hallmark greeting card sentiment. And certainly don’t put pressure on yourself to say something that will make this whole thing better – that’s what medication and therapy are for!


Is it okay for me to laugh while reading your blog or is that insensitive?

Please laugh! I deal with stress, pain, and general unease with humor. I’m sure it’s hard sometimes to know exactly how to take some things I pen, especially if you don’t know me on a personal level. But if I’m making fun of myself, I am doing so to show the world that life is too short and too important to be taken seriously. Some days, poking fun at my own depression is all that gets me through the day. Laugh with me…just don’t laugh at me. There’s a difference.


Have you thought about seeing someone for this?

I get this one ALL. THE. TIME. Here’s the thing: therapy is expensive. If I could sit down and talk to a professional once a day, I would. We live in a society that doesn’t take mental health coverage seriously. We live in a society where 3 therapy sessions are considered adequate for many Employee Assistance Programs. For someone with chronic mental health, routine therapy sessions can be very unkind to the pocket book. Although I just started seeing a new therapist a month ago, I realized it’s not a financially viable option for me long term. This is the world that we live in. When therapists charge $100/hour (as they should…they have so much expertise and education backing them up), but insurance waves my high deductible in my face, guess who doesn’t go to therapy?

That was a long, somewhat bitter way of saying that yes…I have thought about seeing someone. I’ve thought about it a lot throughout some of my emotionally traumatic experiences in the last few years. When you think about bringing this up to someone, do so with sensitivity and keep in mind that it’s not as easy as finding a therapist you mesh with and having coffee with them. Oh how I wish it were that easy. Remember that there are often extenuating circumstances that prevent ongoing therapy. If someone isn’t going, don’t assume it is because they are lazy or in denial. Maybe someday mental health benefits will be where they need to be. Until that day, I fight my battles without the help of a professional counselor.


What do you do when you are stuck obsessing over something?

When I begin to experience obsessive anxiety, it can quickly spirals out of control. It sometimes gets to the point that I can’t focus on any task at hand. My mind goes into hyper-analysis mode and starts exploring all the worst possible outcomes to whatever situation has caught my eye so thoroughly. Often I know that I am being irrational, but by then it’s too late. Usually, the key for me is to pull someone I trust aside, explain to them what I’m worrying over, and let them talk me off the proverbial cliff. Sometimes it takes talking to a “normal” person (i.e. someone who doesn’t have irrational, obsessive anxiety) to realize that everything will be okay.

I’d like to quickly draw your attention back to the phrase someone I trust. I have learned over the years that not everyone is willing to talk you down. Not everyone is capable of understanding what obsessive anxiety is. They don’t want to acknowledge that, while I know my fears are unfounded and irrational, I can’t stop the invasive thoughts that interfere with just about everything except breathing. Sometimes even breathing is threatened! The trusted people in our lives are often family members, significant others, or close friends. It becomes easy to go to these people over and over, which can unfortunately become frustrating for them. In my experience, my significant others are the ones who become most hard on me and tell me to “just stop worrying” or that “obviously that won’t happen…forget about it.”

In those moment of blind panic, having someone say “you worry too much” is the most defeating answer to my cry for help. What I need is this: don’t point out how crazy I am. Instead, walk me through the reasons that the expired macaroni and cheese I just ate isn’t going to kill me. Walk me through the reasons why driving up over a curb unintentionally isn’t going to cause Armageddon to fall down upon us. Although my extreme anxieties may seem silly and irrational to you, please acknowledge that for me, they are very, very real. When everything is out to get me, a patient person who is willing to talk me off the ledge is the most helpful thing I can ask for.


Does it help to talk about it?

See above. For me, it helps for a number of reasons. 1) It gives someone the opportunity to talk me down, 2) it helps me feel like I am spreading education, and 3) it is an outlet when I have been bottling up emotions and fears.

One thing I will add here is that I am a much better communicator through the written word. Talking in person can be incredibly difficult for me. I fumble for the correct words, forget what I am saying mid-sentence, and trip over my own tongue. This generally triggers my social anxiety and things just go downhill from there. If I struggle to express my feelings to you verbally, don’t think it’s because I don’t know what I want to say. It’s usually because I need to write it down first.


Is all that medication really necessary?

For some people, medication works better than any other forms of treatment. If you remember that mental illnesses are due to genetic makeup and chemical imbalance in the brain, you have to view it as a physical disease, not just an emotional disorder. Would you go up to someone with cancer and say, “Do you really feel that chemo is necessary? Have you tried meditation instead?”

So my educational takeaway is this: I wouldn’t put chemicals into my body – chemicals that have almost certain side effects – if I didn’t feel it was necessary for my sanity and survival. My psychiatrist started me on a mood stabilizer a couple months ago. I can quite confidently say that it saved my life. I take antianxiety/antidepressants so that I can go out in public and function on a daily basis. I take sleeping medication so that I can get a decent night’s sleep, which raises my threshold for both anxiety and depression. There is a method to the madness. Instead of asking someone if all that medication is necessary, it might be better to ask what the medication is for. You might be amazed by how much you learn!


Are text messages an impersonal way to check in on you?

I hate talking on the phone. The awkward silences (most often caused by my verbal constipation) generate an insane amount of anxiety and distress for me. I most certainly do not consider it impersonal to reach out to me via text. Just the fact that you are reaching out is enough to bring some light to a potentially very dark day.


Can’t you just stop worrying?

Let’s talk about this one. I get it a lot. I mentioned earlier that it is usually the people who are closest to me – who live with me on a daily basis – who start to push this question to me. My very first serious boyfriend gave me a book on my birthday about how to stop worrying. Each significant other after him proceeded to tell me to just stop worrying so often that it got to the point that I felt I couldn’t talk to them about anything. I felt shut down inside a relationship that should be a safe place.

That being said, this can still be a valuable question…but only if you listen the first time or two it is answered. Try to keep in mind that I don’t choose anxiety for the sheer joy I get out of it. No. It is a devastating illness that spreads into every area of my life. If I could just flip a switch and turn it off, I would do that. As you seek to further educate yourself and ask more questions about your loved one’s mental illness, this question should answer itself. It is not a choice.


Does being around other people help?

It depends on my mental state, so that answer may change from one hour to the next. Sometimes I want to be in the company of people I care about for an afternoon or evening. Sometimes I want to barricade myself in my apartment and not come out for days. If you ask someone with anxiety or depression to come out with you and they say they aren’t feeling up for it, it doesn’t often help to say something like “Oh come on…it will make you feel better.” I can tell you that in my experience, depression and chronic anxiety are EXHAUSTING. There are times where the mere thought of going out in public brings me near to tears because I don’t have the energy. I’m not saying no simply because I’m feeling antisocial or don’t like you anymore. I’m saying no because my very sanity depends on it. The same applies if I come over and end up leaving after only an hour or so. I get overstimulated and anxious, even when I’m with people I know and love. If I suddenly stand up and say I need to get going, don’t try to change my mind. Instead, acknowledge that I know my limit and I have reached it. The only thing more exhausting than facing the world is feeling guilty for not having the energy to face the world.


How are you today?

I can never actually tell if people ask this because they genuinely want to know or if it’s just to be polite. I fall into the category of people who tends to say “Fine, how are you?” instead of being honest. It causes me a lot of anxiety to think about opening up to someone in the elevator when all they were doing was acknowledging my presence.

When it’s obvious that someone is asking because they genuinely want to know, sometimes it’s enough to make me cry. If you are honestly worried about someone and are concerned that they are a danger to themselves or others, try to press a little bit when they only want to give you the standard “I’m okay” answer. Don’t be bossy. Just encourage them that you are there for them. It may be the tree root that that person is able to grab as they plummet off the cliff.


Have you considered [insert diet or health trend here]?

I think even the most sane and mentally healthy people would tell you that diets are difficult to follow. They would also tell you that if you stick to it, they can be wonderful stepping stones to a healthier you. I’ve considered a couple different diets recently, based on the positive results people experience on a physical, mental, and emotional level. While I am of average build and don’t necessarily need to lose a lot of weight, it’s the lifestyle change that appeals to me. So why didn’t I do it? I realized that the diet plans I was looking at involved strict self-control, a ton of meal planning, and denying myself some of life’s simple comforts. Pretty much describes any diet, right? Exactly.

What I realized is this: my perception is that I have failed at so much leading up to this point, so why would I set myself up to fail something else? One of the diets allows no alcohol, but I’ve learned that every now and then a glass of wine is exactly what I need to take the edge off. I am not an emotional eater, so why should I put so much added pressure on myself when I am in such a delicate emotional state? It was an important lesson is acknowledging and respecting the fact that there is a time and a place for everything. Maybe in a year or two I can say goodbye to alcohol and carbs for 30 days. Until then, my self-care inner voice is telling me to enjoy a piece of cheese, savor a Dr. Pepper, or nibble on an Almond Joy if I need to. All good things in moderation, right?


You know you can call anytime, right?

Depression does not foster a proactive mentality. I understand that I am surrounded by people who are only a phone call away. However, usually when I am in a bad enough place that I truly need to talk to someone, I have become numb to that option. If I am in a bad place, I don’t deny that I can call people. What my mind and body deny me is the energy to do so. The idea of explaining my mental state seems like too much to bear. Just picking up the phone seems exhausting.

On top of that, I don’t want to be a burden. I know that everyone has their own struggles. I often don’t feel that I am worthy of placing more to their list of worries. That does nothing but make me feel guilty, which pushes me deeper in depression and higher into anxiety. Sometimes it is easier to just curl up in a ball and cry my way through it.

Thank you to everyone who remains just a phone call away, though. I hear you.


How do you put yourself out there like you do in your blog?

It’s all for the sake of education for every player in this elaborate story that is mental health. I don’t do it for attention or pity or accolades. One of my new favorite quotes is this: “I hope that if you read yourself in my story, it will hold up a mirror for you” (Hollis, 2018, p. 53). If putting myself out there for all the world to see – the good, the bad, and the ugly – helps one person realize that they have worth because of their unique struggles (not in spite of them!) or helps one family member better understand what their loved one is experiencing, then it is worth it. Ending stigma and misconceptions are worth it.


 

References

Corrigan, P. & Watson, A. (2002). Understanding the impact of stigma on people with mental illness. World Psychiatry. Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1489832/

Hollis, Rachel. (2018). Girl, Wash Your Face. Nashville, TN: Nelson Books.

MHA. (2018). 2017 State of Mental Health in America – Prevalence Data. Mental Health America. Retrieved from http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/issues/2017-state-mental-health-america-prevalence-data?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIyvvR-I-A4AIVj8DACh0BhAzkEAAYASAAEgILffD_BwE

Misconception. (n.d.). Vocabulary.com. Retrieved from https://www.vocabulary.com/dictionary/misconception

NAMI. (2019). Family Education and Support. National Alliance on Mental Illness. Retrieved from https://www.nami.org/Learn-More/Mental-Health-Public-Policy/Family-Education-and-Support

Question. (2019). In online Cambridge Dictionary. Retrieved from https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/question