I am realizing that learning who I am is the greatest form of healing. As usual, I have multiple quotes that illustrate my thoughts, emotions, and overall journey. I suppose you could say I have been meditating on the concept of healing and what it means for me. I have felt beaten, broken, and like I have been used up and tossed aside. I’m tired of feeling this way. I’ve been tired of feeling this way for my entire adult life. I have found that there are two parts to the pursuit of healing: recognizing patterns and recognizing that I am a real person.
“You will not heal by going back to what broke you.” – Unknown
“We cannot become what we want by remaining what we are.” – Max Depree
I have a pattern. We all have patterns if we really stop and think about it. I like the two quotes above because they show the importance of recognizing a couple different types of patterns. The first one is key because it refers to patterns we have in the way we let people treat us. I didn’t read that quote so much as going back to the same person or situation repeatedly (though that is a thing for many people), but rather the same type of person or situation. For me, I find myself drawn to broken people because I feel that all the love I have to give might make them happier or more stable. What I ignore is the fact that the people I find are users who will suck that love out of me until I have nothing left to give. I will never find healing or fulfillment by repeatedly stumbling back into that same pattern of infatuation, giving too much without receiving in return, and then ending up alone. It’s a dangerous cycle and can quickly spin out of control.
The second quote refers to another pattern: inability to face personal change. We get comfortable. We feel safe. We become stagnant and start to suffocate. For me personally, giving of myself to others is where I am comfortable. It makes me feel needed, even if I am not receiving the same level of commitment or love in return. This last divorce made me realize that the only way to find true healing is to force myself out of my comfort zone. Instead of always looking after others, I also need to look after myself. If I don’t learn that skill – and learn it quickly – I will burn out completely and be of use to no one. Instead of throwing myself into another relationship to distract me from the heartache and loneliness, I am going way outside my norm and taking art classes, spending more quality time alone, and trying to become comfortable with me. I will never find healing if I can’t be alone with myself.
“I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.” – C.G. Jung
“Healing doesn’t mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls our lives.” – Unknown
I am becoming. I cannot define myself, or let others define me, by my circumstances. Sure, I’m divorced, single, lonely, and have been through some real crap, but that is not who I am. By acknowledging that, it takes power away from the hurt. It by no means diminishes how much something hurt, it just diminishes my ability to make excuses for myself based on that hurt.
A year ago I broke my wrist. It was my first broken bone and is certainly one of the most painful things I have experienced. That pain was real. To this day I still have some pain. I would be lying to myself if I said it was false or nonexistent. However, I pushed through physical therapy and am a better person because of it. Yes, I walk more gingerly on ice when I’m out with the dog, but that’s because I learned a lesson that will stick with me for the rest of my life. In the same way, I have to take emotional or mental trauma, acknowledge that the pain is real, but then push through the healing process and come out on the other side having learned an invaluable lesson. If I let myself forget the pain or the lesson that came with it, I will likely repeat the behavior that caused it in the first place. See my thoughts on patterns. To truly heal is to break the pattern.
“Trust issues have everything to do with trusting yourself and nothing to do with trusting someone else. Because when you trust yourself, you’ll never entertain someone who makes trusting him or her an issue.” – Kyle D. Jones
My ability to trust has taken a real beating over the years. Once you have been betrayed on as many levels as I have, there’s no real going back. It has been a struggle for me for many years now. I honestly don’t believe that I will ever be able to blindly trust anyone again, and that makes me sad. I remember my most recent ex-husband saying to me once, “We’ve been together for six months. If you don’t trust me by now, there’s something wrong.” He was very aware of the fact that my husband before him had kept up a secret life for four years and had been an expert in the mental abuse technique of gaslighting. I tried unsuccessfully to explain my trust issues, but he thought I was just worrying to much. He admitted, though, that he had never been cheated on, so he didn’t quite understand how significantly that experience changes you.
I bring this up for two reasons. The first is this: trust your own instincts. Like the quote suggests, until you can trust yourself and have confidence in your own insights and intuition, it may not be possible to trust anyone else. I currently don’t trust myself to not mess up another relationship, which means I have no ability to trust someone else. Most people deserve to be trusted. Give yourself a chance so you might give them a chance. This is the difficult challenge I am facing right along with you. Big time growing pains associated with this one.
The second reason I bring up that story about my ex is this: be understanding. Don’t be too hard on yourself when you have a difficult time with trust. There are a lot of people who deserve trust, but there are also an awful lot of people who don’t. Be wise. Again…trust your instincts. And if you happen to be with someone who has been cheated on in a previous relationship, give them time. Unfortunately, you have to earn back trust that someone else lost. Don’t take it personally. It’s easier said than done, but please try.
“Your healing is about you. It doesn’t need a stamp of approval. Don’t worry about how long it takes or how ugly it may seem. It’s about you.” – Unknown
Healing is like anything else – it is unique to each individual. It looks different for everyone because we all process and perceive things differently. The way I feel about betrayal is vastly different to how you might feel during the same exact situation. If the manifestation of our individual grief and pain can be so unique, how can we expect any different of our individual ability to heal? Give yourself some credit. Don’t compare yourself to anyone else. It’s impossible for us to really know where anyone else is at with the healing process, so comparisons make absolutely no sense. I appreciate the use of the word “ugly” in this quote. The healing process can be extremely ugly. But there is nothing wrong with that. You’ve been through something ugly. Let yourself feel that ugliness so that you might release it, all the while remembering that the ugliness is not a reflection of your beautiful self.
“She once believed that the damage to her mind and heart was permanent, until she met wisdom, who taught her that no pain or wound is eternal, that all can be healed, and that love can grow even in the toughest part of her being.” – Yung Pueblo
I love this quote. I love it because I can relate to it on so many different levels. In the moment, it can feel like healing will never happen. It can feel like the agony will swallow you whole. I know how easy it can be to sink to a place in which you wish the agony would swallow you whole. But nothing lasts forever, right? I’ve learned that even in the darkest and most lonely nights, the morning light usually brings hope and some sense of healing.
The love that is growing in the deepest, hidden corner of my being is a love for myself. Some people might say that’s just arrogance or selfishness. But I disagree. When I say I am learning to love myself, I do not mean that in a conceited way. I mean that I am learning to embrace who I am at my core. I am learning to embrace who I becoming as a result of all I have been through. I am not my experiences…I am not my pain…but I am becoming a new and better person because of those experiences and that pain. I have a greater capacity to love because I know what it’s like to be hurt so deeply. I have a greater capacity to extend grace and acceptance because I know what it’s like to have conditions put on love. I have a greater capacity to offer those things to others, but only if I am able to first offer them to myself. I will only truly heal if I can acknowledge that I deserve healing and deserve to be loved for all parts of me.