Warzones and Gollum: Anxiety on a good day

I’ve had a bit of writer’s block, mainly because the last few days have been decent for me. It probably sounds crazy, but it is easier to write – to pour my heart out – when it seems like everything is going wrong. It’s borderline scary when I have more than one good day in a row because I am waiting for it all to come crashing in on me again. What does anxiety look like on a good day? Maybe a little more like pick up sticks than a plate of spaghetti. Dark gray mixed with a little light gray, instead of just black. That awful prickly sensation once circulation is restored, instead of having a foot that is completely asleep. Driving with the Check Engine light on, instead of trying to start a car with a dead battery.

I came across an interesting quote earlier today:

“Mental illness is like fighting a war where the enemy’s strategy is to convince you that the war isn’t actually happening.” – Unknown

I’m still trying to decide what this even means. There are probably several different interpretations. The first one that came to my mind is this: if mental illness is the enemy, its goal is to sneak up on you when you least expect it. If you have been lulled into a false sense of security, it can come out of nowhere and really do a number on you. This is what makes me paranoid, even when I seem to be having a great day. The enemy is waiting for me just around that corner, behind that bush, or under that rock. It’s only a matter of time. Wouldn’t it be better to realize this problem is never going away, that there’s no way to fix me, and that I will always be fighting this gruesome internal war?

However, that is not the most meaningful interpretation I have come up with. The longer I thought about it, the more I decided that the enemy is the stigma and judgement that surrounds mental illness. If I had a penny for every time someone said “You just worry too much” or “can’t you just stop worrying for once in your life”, I would be a rich woman. What these statements communicate to someone with anxiety is this: It’s all in your head…what you are feeling isn’t real…what you are feeling doesn’t matter…you are choosing this.

Imagine sending an army of soldiers out into the middle of a war zone, then saying, “None of us believe those enemies are real. We aren’t going to support you in any of this. Stop acting like you are going to die. It’s all in your imagination.” All the while, those soldiers are trying to find some sort of cover from the flying bullets, grenades, and whatever other weapons the opposition might have. How long do you think the soldiers will be able to fight without reinforcements, supplies, and support from home? The answer is obvious: not very long. So how much do you think the opposition is benefiting from the lack of awareness or intelligence, not on the part of the soldiers, but on the part of their commanders and society?

Welcome to the warzone that is my head. I’m going to let you in on a little secret: it’s dark, it’s scary, and it’s ridiculously hard to go it alone without backup and support. I imagine two different individuals living in my head – one looks just like me, talks like me, thinks like me. The other looks more like Gollum from Tolkien’s The Lord of the Rings. This creature stays in the shadows and torments the other me. It is cruel, obsessive, and doesn’t know when to stop.

Even on the good days, my internal Gollum reminds me that anything could go wrong at any minute. I might remind it that my antidepressant and antianxiety meds seem to be stabilizing me, but it would come back with, “Well what if something clicks in your brain and they start causing seizures?” I might remind it that I am thankful for the roof over my head and the good job I have, but it would come back with, “What if your neighbor starts a fire and you can’t go to work because you couldn’t escape the flames?” I might remind it that I am working on my self-esteem by exercising, dressing a little nicer, and putting on some makeup, but it would come back with, “You’re fighting a losing battle…no one likes you anyway…why feel good about that?” I might remind it that I am intelligent, but it would come back with, “Then why do you struggle with so many different irrational fears or simple problems?” I might remind it that I am eating healthier to get my body back on track, but it would come back with, “You can’t afford to eat healthy.” My point is…there is always something. Even on the best of days, my own personal Gollum is pointing out how futile my attempts are when I try to live a normal, rational life.

Now let’s go back to the warzone example. I have all this going on in my head, but people I think I can trust are assuring me that I can simply stop worrying if I really put my mind to it. There is no way to truly describe what that feels like, but there are plenty of words that, when combined, come pretty close. Below are just a few examples. All of these definitions come from the Merriam-Webster Dictionary (2019).

  • Discouraged: “To deprive of courage or confidence”
  • Broken: “Not working properly”
  • Foolish: “Having or showing a lack of good sense, judgment, or discretion”
  • Alone: “Without aid or support”
  • Lack/Lacking: “The fact or state of being wanting or deficient”
  • Betrayed: “Treacherously abandoned, deserted, or mistreated”
  • Small: “Of little consequence”
  • Crazy: “Full of cracks or flaws”
  • Ashamed: “Feeling inferior or unworthy”

What if someone with diabetes told you they felt all these things because you kept telling them that insulin is overrated and they should just will their blood sugar to normalize on its own. Wouldn’t you feel like a bit of an a-hole? Why is it so acceptable, then, for people to have this attitude towards those with mental illnesses? Whether you believe it is all made up or not doesn’t change the fact that a chemical imbalance in my brain has made me a unique, over-thinker who assumes the worst will happen in any situation. I don’t see the world like you do. I see the world as a dangerous, evil place where disaster is waiting just around the next bend.

I definitely feel like I’m rambling. I guess the point I am trying to come to is the fact that stigma and denial do a huge disservice to anyone suffering from a mental illness. There is nothing that makes me feel more alone than someone I care about telling me I should just stop worrying. Don’t ask me why I’m worried about something – BECAUSE I HAVE ANXIETY…THAT’S WHAT I DO. If it was as easy as flipping a switch and turning that Gollum part of my brain off, I wouldn’t be taking medication and wishing I could afford therapy! While on the one hand, I acknowledge that no one forces me feel any of those words I defined above because only I allow myself to feel anything. On the other hand, we owe it to each other to be supportive and kind. A lack of support for those soldiers we talked about doesn’t mean they can’t try and defend themselves and maybe even succeed, but it’s going to be a heck of a lot easier if they have all the support their country can muster. Why would anyone ever ask a soldier to fight alone? So why do we ask each other to fight our own personal battles alone? Don’t let your own ignorance rob you of the opportunity to be the life raft someone so desperately needs. Don’t let your fellow human being sink.

Stigma comes from ignorance. Ignorance often comes from a lack of exposure. If you have questions about anxiety or depression, but don’t know how to ask your loved one, send me an email! I’m happy to be a sounding board. I have a lifetime of anxiety and depression experience to pull from. I understand that this post was a little unorganized and random, but that is how my anxious brain works, even on a good day. I’m all over the place all the time. So is your loved one who suffers from anxiety. Please realize that they are fighting an internal battle that you may know nothing about because they have been burned so many times by people in whom they thought they could confide.

Let’s light a fire and start a revolution. We need to stop sending soldiers into a warzone without support.

References

Alone. (2019). In online Merriam-Webster dictionary. Retrieved from https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/alone

Ashamed. (2019). In online Merriam-Webster dictionary. Retrieved from https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/ashamed

Betrayed. (2019). In online Merriam-Webster dictionary. Retrieved from https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/betrayed

Broken. (2019). In online Merriam-Webster dictionary. Retrieved from https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/broken

Crazy. (2019). In online Merriam-Webster dictionary. Retrieved from https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/crazy

Discourage. (2019). In online Merriam-Webster dictionary. Retrieved from https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/discourage

Foolish. (2019). In online Merriam-Webster dictionary. Retrieved from https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/foolish

Lack. (2019). In online Merriam-Webster dictionary. Retrieved from https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/lacking

Small. (2019). In online Merriam-Webster dictionary. Retrieved from https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/small

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